Hey, I could'a writen (some of) those! Ma-an!...

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[Dr. House is seeing a patient whose skin is bright orange seeking treatment for back pain]
Dr. Gregory House: Unfortunately, you have a deeper problem. Your wife is having an affair.
Dr. Gregory House: You're *orange*, you moron. And it's one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her husband has changed colours, she's just not paying attention.
Dr. Wilson: [Wilson is quoting a poem from a patient of House's] 'The healer with his magic powers! / I could rub his gentle brow for hours. / His manly chest, his stubbled jaw, / Everything about him leaves me raw-'
Dr. Gregory House: Psych ward's upstairs.
Dr. Wilson: -with joy. Oh, House your very name / Will never leave this girl the same.' It's not bad for an 82-year-old. She asked me to give that to her true love.
Dr. Gregory House: What can I say? Chicks with no teeth turn me on.
Dr. Wilson: That's fairly disgusting.
Dr. Gregory House: That's ageism.
Dr. Wilson: You better watch yourself around this babe.

Dr. Eric Foreman: I think your argument is specious.
Dr. Gregory House: I think your tie is ugly.


Dr. Wilson: That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.

Dr. Gregory House: Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.


Dr. Gregory House: Perseverance does not equal worthiness. Next time you want to get my attention, wear something fun. Low-riding jeans are hot.


Rachel Adler: What made you a cripple?

Dr. Gregory House: I had an infarction.

Rachel Adler: A heart attack?

Dr. Gregory House: It happens when the blood flow is obstructed. It's in the heart, it's a heart attack; it's in the lungs, it's a pulmonary embolism; it's in the brain, it's a stroke. I had it in my legs.

Rachel Adler: Wasn't there something they could do?

Dr. Gregory House: There was plenty they could do... if they had made the right diagnosis. The only symptom was pain. Not many people get to experience muscle death.

Rachel Adler: Did you think you were dying?

Dr. Gregory House: I hoped I was dying.


Dr. Robert Chase: Matt's mum won't make a move until she hears from the C.D.C.

Dr. Wilson: Godot would be faster.


Dr. Gregory House: I suppose "minimally at best" is your stiff upper lip British way of saying "No chance in hell"?

Dr. Robert Chase: Actually, I'm Australian.

Dr. Gregory House: You put the Queen on your money. You're British.


Rachel Adler: I just want to die with a little dignity.

Dr. Gregory House: There's no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it! I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass... it's always ugly, always! You can live with dignity; you can't die with it!


Dr. Gregory House: You think it's going to come out on its own? Are we talking bigger than a breadbasket? 'Cause actually, it will come out on its own, which for small stuff is no problem: it's wrapped up in a nice soft package and plop. Big stuff? You're gonna rip something, which, speaking medically, is when the fun stops.

Young Man: How did you...?

Dr. Gregory House: You've been here for half an hour and you haven't sat down; that tells me its location. You haven't told me what it is; that tells me it's humiliating. You have a little birdie carved under your arm; that tells me you have a high tolerance for humiliation, so I figure it's not hemarrhoids. I've been a doctor twenty years, you're not going to surprise me.

Young Man: It's an MP3 player.

Dr. Gregory House: Is it... is it because of the size, the shape, or is it the pounding bass line?


Dr. Cameron: Department of justice statistics show it's a racially motivated form of punishment. Black defendants are ten times more likely to get a death sentence than whites.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Doesn't mean we need to get rid of the death penalty. Just means we need to kill more white people.


Dr. Gregory House: Nobel invented dynamite. I won't accept his blood money.


Dr. Gregory House: You're a wuss. Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me... Hey, Wilson! Guess what Foreman just did!


Dr. Robert Chase: Gambling doesn't take away his pain.

Dr. Gregory House: [enters] It does if I win.


Dr. Gregory House: The Cripple Boys. We should start a band.


Dr. Gregory House: Trouble in paradise. 2 o'clock.
Dr. Wilson: Wait, your 2 o'clock or my 2 o'clock?
Dr. Gregory House: Over there!

Stacy Warner: [about Chase] Why didn't you fire him?

Dr. Gregory House: He's got great hair.

Dr. Robert Chase: In pre-med, I had a professor who -

Dr. Gregory House: - touched you in the naughty place?


[Cameron is in the lab working on some equipment]

Dr. Gregory House: Mixing up some margaritas? Mine's a double, Senorita. That's Portuguese you know.

Dr. Cameron: [too quietly] Spanish.

Dr. Gregory House: Uh-oh. What's going on?

Dr. Cameron: I'm re-calibrating the centrifuge.

Dr. Gregory House: Turn around. [she's been crying]

Dr. Gregory House: It's a very sad thing, an un-calibrated centrifuge. It makes me cry too.

Dr. Cameron: I'm not crying.

Dr. Gregory House: Ok. [pause]

Dr. Cameron: ...When I was in college, I... I fell in love, and I got married. And...

Dr. Gregory House: At that age the chances of a marriage lasting -

Dr. Cameron: It lasted six months. Thyroid cancer metastasized to his brain. There was nothing they could do. I was 21, and I watched my husband die.

Dr. Gregory House: I'm sorry. But that's not the whole story. It's a symptom, not your illness. Thyroid cancer would have been diagnosed at least a year before his death, you knew he was dying when you married him. Must have been when you first met him. And you married him anyway. You can't be that good a person and well adjusted.

Dr. Cameron: Why?

Dr. Gregory House: Because you wind up crying over centrifuges.

Dr. Cameron: Or hating people?


Dr. Gregory House: I saw the light on.

Dr. Cameron: It's daytime.

Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. It's a figure of speech. Always so literal. [pause] Dr. Cameron: Got a new cane.

Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. Guy in the store said it was slimming. Vertical stripe...

Dr. Cameron: Why are you here?

Dr. Cameron: Vogler is dead.

Dr. Cameron: What? What happened?

Dr. Gregory House: Again with the literal translation. Vogler the idea, Mr. Destructo, Mr. Moneybags, bow does before me; he is gone from the hospital, so things can go back to the way they were.

Dr. Cameron: The way they were was kind of weird.

Dr. Gregory House: Weird works for me.

Dr. Cameron: What are you saying? Literally?

Dr. Gregory House: I want you to come back.

Dr. Cameron: Why? [House's beeper goes off, Cameron crosses her arms]

Dr. Gregory House: Please unclench. You're not on the clock, and when you do that, I clench, and then it's the whole thing...

Dr. Cameron: Could you look at your pager? [he does]

Dr. Gregory House: It's no big deal, some sort of epidemic. Not my area.

Dr. Cameron: You should go, it's important.

Dr. Gregory House: What I'm doing now is important.

Dr. Cameron: Why do you want me back?

Dr. Gregory House: Because you're a good doctor.

Dr. Cameron: That's it?

Dr. Gregory House: That's not enough?

Dr. Cameron: Not for me. Go deal with your plague. [she shuts the door in his face.]


[About Cuddy]
Dr. Robert Chase: You two are just too nasty to each other not to have been... nasty.

Dr. Gregory House: Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good.


Dr. Gregory House: Why are you doing this?

Dr. Cameron: I'm not doing anything.

Dr. Gregory House: You're manipulating everyone.

Dr. Cameron: People... dismiss me. Because I'm a woman, because I'm pretty, because I'm not agressive. My opinions shouldn't be rejected just because people don't like me.

Dr. Gregory House: They like you. Everyone likes you. [he starts to walk away]

Dr. Cameron: Do you? [pause]

Dr. Cameron: I have to know.

Dr. Gregory House: No.

Dr. Cameron: [smiles quietly] Okay.


Dr. Gregory House: Read less, more TV.


Dr. Gregory House: [House is objecting to Cuddy about Foreman being his new boss] *Chase* killed that woman, and now Foreman's in charge?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yeah, we have a pecking order here; if Cameron kills somebody, Chase takes over. There's a flow chart in the lobby.


Dr. Cameron: How would you describe my leadership skills?

Dr. Gregory House: Nonexistent... otherwise, excellent.


Dr. Cameron: Why did you hire me?

Dr. Gregory House: Does it matter?

Dr. Cameron: Kind of hard to work for a guy who doesn't respect you.

Dr. Gregory House: Why?

Dr. Cameron: Is that rhetorical?

Dr. Gregory House: No, it just seems that way because you can't think of an answer. Does it make a difference what I think? I'm a jerk. The only thing that matters is what you think. Can you do the job?

Dr. Cameron: You hired a black guy because he had a juvenile record.

Dr. Gregory House: No, it wasn't a racial thing. I didn't see a black guy, I just saw a doctor with a juvenile record. I hired Chase 'cause his dad made a phone call. And I hired you because you are extremely pretty.

Dr. Cameron: You hired me to get into my pants?

Dr. Gregory House: I can't believe that that would shock you. It's also not what I said. No, I hired you because you look good. It's like having a nice piece of art in the lobby.

Dr. Cameron: I was at the top of my class!

Dr. Gregory House: But not *the* top.

Dr. Cameron: I did an internship at the Mayo Clinic!

Dr. Gregory House: You were a very good applicant.

Dr. Cameron: But not the best.

Dr. Gregory House: Would that upset you, really, to think that you were hired for some genetic gift of beauty instead of some genetic gift of intelligence?

Dr. Cameron: I worked very hard to get where I am!

Dr. Gregory House: You didn't have to. People choose the paths that gain them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort. That's a law of nature, and you defied it. That's why I hired you. You could've married rich, you could've been a model, you could've just shown up and people would've given you stuff - lots of stuff - but you didn't. You worked your stunning little ass off.

Dr. Cameron: Am I supposed to be flattered?

Dr. Gregory House: Gorgeous women do not go to medical school... unless they are as damaged as they are beautiful. Were you abused by a family member?

Dr. Cameron: No!

Dr. Gregory House: Sexually assaulted?

Dr. Cameron: No!

Dr. Gregory House: But you *are* damaged, aren't you?


Dr. Cameron: All this hate is toxic.


Dr. Robert Chase: How'd you like it if I interfered in your personal life?

Dr. Gregory House: I'd hate it. That's why, cleverly, I have no personal life.


Dr. Wilson: I love my wife.

Dr. Gregory House: You certainly love saying it.


Dr. Wilson: At least I try.

Dr. Gregory House: Well, as long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.

Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.

Dr. Gregory House: So between us we can do anything. We can rule the world!


Dr. Cameron: You want me to tell a man whose wife is about to die that she may have cheated on him?

Dr. Gregory House: No, I want you to be polite and let her die.

Dr. Gregory House: Chicks dig this [waves cane]

Dr. Gregory House: It's better than a puppy!


Dr. Eric Foreman: You assaulted that man!

Dr. Gregory House: Fine. I'll never do it again.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Yes you will.

Dr. Gregory House: All the more reason this debate is pointless.


Dr. Cameron: I'm uncomfortable about sex.

Dr. Robert Chase: Well, we don't have to talk about this...

Dr. Cameron: Sex COULD kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent. It's ugly. And it's messy. And if God hadn't made it UNBELIEVABLY fun, the human race would have died out eons ago. [She pauses to catch her breath]

Dr. Robert Chase: [He is speechless]

Dr. Cameron: Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. Know that women can have an hour long orgasm?

Dr. Eric Foreman: [enters]

Dr. Cameron: [as if nothing had just occurred] Hey Foreman. What's up?


Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.

Dr. Gregory House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.


Dr. Wilson: Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect.

Dr. Gregory House: And the reason you want respect?

Dr. Wilson: To... get laid.


Dr. Cameron: What happened to "Everybody Lies"?

Dr. Gregory House: I lied.


Dr. Gregory House: Fine. Have it your way. Immaculate conception.

Susan: Um, what do I do?

Dr. Gregory House: Well, it's obvious - start a religion.


Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Your reputation won't last if you don't do your job; the clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job.

Dr. Gregory House: But as the philosopher Jagger once said "You can't always get what you want."


Ramona: Hi. I'm having vaginal pain.
Dr. Gregory House: Pleasure to meet you.


Ramona: My OB-GYN died recently. Nice man. Warm hands.
Dr. Gregory House: Not any more.


Dr. Gregory House: Overall, drug addicts are idiots


Dr. Gregory House: The eyes can mislead, a smile can lie, but the shoes always tell the truth.

Dr. Wilson: They were Prada, which means she has good taste.

Dr. Gregory House: They were not Prada. You wouldn't know Prada if one stepped on your scrotum.

Dr. Wilson: Okay, well... they were nice, pointy


Dr. Gregory House: Does your penis hurt?

John Funsten: What? No! Should it?

Dr. Gregory House: No, I thought I'd give you a really inappropriate question. Your lawyers will love it.


Dr. Gregory House: McPhearson? Horrible doctor, I heard he tortured kittens.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No, McDonald.

Dr. Gregory House: Oh, McDonald? Wonderful Doctor, loves kittens


Dr. Wilson: You had the perfect person, and you blew it.

Dr. Gregory House: You saw the shoes!

Dr. Wilson: I'm not talking about her.

Dr. Gregory House: You're talking about Cameron.

Dr. Wilson: I'm talking about every woman you've ever given a damn about.

Dr. Gregory House: Cameron is so not perfect.

Dr. Wilson: Well, nobody's perfect.

Dr. Gregory House: Mother Theresa?

Dr. Wilson: Dead.

Dr. Gregory House: Angelina Jolie?

Dr. Wilson: No medical degree.

Dr. Gregory House: Oh, so now who's being picky


Dr. Cameron: [discussing a patient's diagnosis] What about sex?

Dr. Gregory House: Well, it might get complicated. We work together. I am older, certainly, but maybe you like that.

Dr. Cameron: I meant maybe he has neurosyphilis.

Dr. Gregory House: Heh, nice cover.


Stacy Warner: If you didn't want me working here, why didn't you just say so?

Dr. Gregory House: I don't want you working right here. In my office. But anywhere else in the building is fine. It's a really big hospital.


Dr. Gregory House: Treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.


Jill: My joints have been feeling all loose, and lately I've been feeling sick a lot. Maybe I'm overtraining; I'm doin' the marathon, like, ten miles a day, [House looks tired]
Jill: but I can't seem to lose any weight.
Dr. Gregory House: Lift up your arms. [she does so]
Dr. Gregory House: You have a parasite.
Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?
Dr. Gregory House: Lie back and lift up your sweater. [she lies back, and still has her hands up]

Dr. Gregory House: You can put your arms down.
Jill: Can you do anything about it?
Dr. Gregory House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states. [he starts to ultrasound her abdomen]
Jill: Illegal?
Dr. Gregory House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites ...
Jill: Playdates?
Dr. Gregory House: [shows her the ultrasound] It has your eyes. [it's a baby]


Dr. Cameron: I'm the only one who's always stood behind you when you've screwed up.

Dr. Gregory House: Why? Why would you support someone who screws up?

Dr. Cameron: Because I'm not insanely insecure, and because I can actually trust in another human being, and I am not an angry, misanthropic son of a bitch.

Dr. Gregory House: I'm sorry. You said you *weren't* angry.


Dr. Eric Foreman: You are aware of the Hippocratic oath, right?
Dr. Gregory House: The one that starts, "First, do no harm", then goes on to tell us: no abortions, no seductions, and definitely no cutting of those who labor beneath the stone? Yeah, took a read once. Wasn't impressed.


Dr. Wilson: [discussing Dr. Charles] You're just mad because he's closer to a Nobel Prize than you are.
Dr. Gregory House: And yet I've nailed more Swedish babes... crazy, crazy world.


Dr. Gregory House: [House has determined a patient is allergic to her newly adopted cat] You're allergic. We can control it with antihistamines, one pill a day.

Mandy: Pills?

Dr. Gregory House: You don't like to swallow? I'm not surprised. Forget the pills, I'll give you a nasal spray.

Mandy: Steroids? Is there something else you can give me?

Dr. Gregory House: Well, if you live by the river, I've got a bag...


Dr. Eric Foreman: This guy's been injecting himself how many times a day? All it'd take is one slip of the needle to cause an air embolus.

Dr. Gregory House: So air is keeping him from breathing air. Let's go with that for the irony.


Dr. Gregory House: You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a... [pauses]
Dr. Gregory House: I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor.


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